59th of Ash, Year 4622
Since Eloise’s departure, Ford had spent some time easing Taelian’s emotions, although he knew deep down, he understood and, in some way, reflected the same emotions but he had internalized them. For the remainder of the day, Ford had gone through and took extra care to make sure some things had been prepared because regardless of his personal feelings, he had wanted to hit the ground running and not give anyone a chance to doubt his abilities, or at least, not to doubt the potential of his capabilities. Up to and including the time they had gone to bed and regardless of what transpired into the night hours, they found a calming solace in the protection of their room.
I will keep you safe.
Ford could hear himself saying it, repeatedly since he had said it, especially after the point and time Eloise had made her departing comments and left. Regardless, Taelian had found him encompassed from behind within the comforts of their bedding. Ford had a muscular arm, draped over his body and Ford’s body was pressed perfectly against the back of his lover, their bodies melding together nigh perfectly, and Ford’s lower part of his face was buried into his lover’s neck, but his eyes remained open, staring into the nothing of the night air of their room. What helped ease Ford into that quiet atmosphere were the soft sounds of Taelian sleeping, or perhaps, if he was feigning sleep, he was doing an impeccable job at it.
The blonde could see her face, the disapproving look and the stares he had received during their conversation and remembered the words of her assessment of their situation. This and then some floated around his mind, making for an ill attempt at falling asleep. As he continued to lay there, he could feel himself growing restless and carefully, knowing there was almost a one hundred percent chance that Taelian would wake up as he did it, if not shortly after he would get up. Gingerly, Ford extracted himself from holding his significant other, not because he wanted to leave, but he felt he was almost poisonous with his thoughts and Taelian needed his sleep for whatever Eloise had planned for him and the covenant. As quietly as he was capable, Ford found the pair of slacks he had been wearing earlier in the day and had pulled them onto his frame and fastened them while also pulling on the white and blue collared shirt he had worn earlier as well. It was the middle of the night, so he hadn’t planned on buttoning it as he leaned to pluck up his journal, he could be seen random times scribbling in. As he approached the door to their room, he gave a glance over his shoulder in Taelian’s direction and as quietly as possible, slipped out with a lantern in hand.
Quiet steps brought the Griscian male down the hall and down to the same couch they had been sitting on earlier in the day where that face had been burned into his memory. The lantern lit and set on the floor, Ford took a seat to that same sofa he had graced earlier and brought a bare foot up onto the couch, bending his knee upward to face the ceiling as the other rested down the front of the sofa with his bare foot pressed flat against the flooring. His back rested against the arm/side of the sofa as the journal was rested on a thigh. A folded piece of paper had been unfolded and pressed where he could look to it often.
Taking in a deep breath, he watched the constant flicker of the lantern dancing its orange glow with shadows being cast across the ceiling, walls of the room and off his own partially bared flesh. Closing his eyes, he could hear her voice as clear as day.
All of the ways she had compared him to the past loves or his past choices. How the choice of becoming involved so deeply with Ford had been considered a mistake for Taelian.
His hand began writing things down as he thought them out. The now unfolded piece of paper that usually lived in the front of that journal was referenced to on multiple occasions.
For the briefest of moments, his eyes grew half-lidded, and he watched the flickering shadows across the floor as the lantern glowed and he couldn’t help but lose his train of thought, and during that briefest of moments, he felt like he was back home. Chastised for a mistake that he had no control over. Ford had never felt anything before like he had with Taelian. It was as if some unseen force drove them together and would not allow them to be apart for long. But he had been called those things before, only he could hear them in his father’s voice.
Words like, mistake and blunder.
Sentiments like, Your worth is insignificant where his is magnanimous.
The words had not been spoken out loud, but Eloise was not mincing her words nor her intent on pointing out the situation from her perspective. The words and sentiments were things he had before in slightly different scenarios, but the feelings and meanings of them were still the same.
The sound of scribbling continued, unable to stop himself from finishing what he was writing, though his eyes did not carry their usual expressive happiness that was potentially infectious. His gaze was reserved, if not slightly dulled as he was processing most of the information still.
“Ford you are a fool…”
Whispered to himself as he looked to the knee that was still pointed upward, but at some time had leaned against the back of the sofa,
“I can’t be weak, not for him. He deserves more. He deserves the best.”
And finally, a thought had crossed his mind that forced his heart to nearly skip a beat. But it was something Eloise had said right before she left, that had it cross his mind and his writing had stopped as he paused altogether, and his blonde brows furrowed.
“…Am I shadow of him? Am I only a reminder of something he can never have again?” Closing his eyes, he rested his head backwards. Eloise had compared him to Riven. It was to be expected, but at least Riven had given her a positive impression. Slowly, his eyes peeled open, and he stared up, at the ceiling, a healthy swallow taken as he couldn’t help it. He knew what Taelian had said to him, he did not question it. But Eloise tore it right open.
Am I hurting him?
I need to be better. I can never be Riven, but I can be me.
My Arlaed…I will do my best.
